Taking chances.  Its the one thing in life that scares us the most.  We fear the unknown.  We fear the outcome, the consequences, maybe even the possibilities that come from chance.  Life is a gamble.  We sit at the table and bet it all, every day, every moment, every choice.  Some times we go all in and other times we bet the table minimum.  Love is an all in moment.  If you dont bet big then you cant win big.  I have bet big on love.  Unfortunetly, as all of us have one time or another, I have not always gone all in.  When you dont give every thing when betting on love you will loose every time.  You have to be ready to bet it all and loose everything.  If you are not prepared to loose it all then you are not prepared to reap the rewards. 

I bet big on love.  I did not bet everything.  I held back just in case and now im left with nothing.  I loved someone for a very long time and that person loved me back.  I did not love that person as much as I should have.  I was afraid of taking the big chances in life.  Afraid of doing what needed to be done for us because I was scared of the outcome.  I was scared that the choices were going to be hard on me.  I failed to see that the choices that were made by the other person were hard on her.  The sacrifices she made for us.  When given the choice to do the right thing, I flintched.  I failed.  I never wanted to sacrifice myself for us.  I was afraid.  Now im alone.  The us is gone and the only thing left is me.  I had sacrificed more by my selfish behavior than what I was asked to sacrifice for us. 

This is not the first time that Ive been too afraid to go all in.  I wrote about "lost love".  About holding back my feelings from someone that I truely loved.  Someone that I cared about in a way that I never expressed.  I was never honest to her about how I really felt.  I got lucky this time.  I got the second chance.  Fate delt me one more hand.  This time, though, I was ready.  I learned from the past and I had picked up some of the rules and I was ready to go all in.  It is very rare that life affords us the opprotunity of a "do over".  I have been fortunite enough in the past few years to have learned to identify these rare and precious few moments.  We all have those moments where we could have used a "do over".  I was afforded one of these very moments.  The women that I loved, and never told, had read a piece of my writing and inquired about it.  I was now looking at one of my life's greatest moments.  I was looking at fate giving me a "do over", dealing me back in one more time.  This time I knew exactly how to play this hand.  I went all in.  I told this women that I love her.  I told her that I have always loved her and that I will always love her.  I put all my chips in, I laid all my cards out.  I was facing the possibility of loosing my friend, of being rejected, and all the other doubts that play into these situations.  I played the most terrifying hand of my life with everything that I had, ready to loose it all, and it was the best hand I have every played. 

This hand was not about winning or loosing.  This hand was not about getting what I wanted.  Im not going to tell you a romantic story about how we lived "happily ever after".  This was about getting a second chance.  This was about understanding that life had given me a "do over", another chip in the big game, and I seized the moment.  Without hesitation, without doubt, and without fear.  I took a chance to loose everything and go all in. 

Did I win?  Was there a  big prize at the end?    Again, this was not about winning.   I got a chance to settle up.    I even'd up with one of life's biggest debts: "what if".  I was in the black.   We were square.  For 11 years I had carried the "what if I had only said something" "what if I had one more chance to say how I felt" "what if..." "what if..." "what if...".  No more.  I said what I wanted to say.    I said it to the person that I wanted, more than anything, to say it to.  I could not ask for more than that.  It was perfect. 

What hands are yet to be delt, I dont know.  Will the cards go again in my favor, I dont know.   Thats not what this was about.  Thats not why I bet it all.  What I do know is this, the one simple truth:  I got a second chance.  I was prepared to bet everything and prepared to loose everything.  I was playing with my heart, mind, and soul.  I was willing to go all in with every one of them, on this hand.  Love's motto is "put up or shut up".  If you dont bet it all then you are going to loose.  I could not afford to make that mistake again.  Not with her, not this time. 

I was given a chance, delt a second hand, a "do over".  I know that these chances are rare.  They are few and far between.  I have learned a hard lesson and played an even harder hand.  I dont know what the future holds but I know what I have to do.  I know what to prepare for.  I know that I have to be willing to loose everything.  Im grateful for my second chance.  I would never have traded that for the world.  I am truely grateful. 

I have learned a great deal about love, life, my heart, the right thing, and the like.  Love has delt some very good hands and Ive played all of them as best as I knew how.  Im better prepared for the next round.  Im ready to put all the chips on the table and play with everything I have.  Im ready to loose everything for love.  Im ready to sacrifice myself for the us in love.   This is the only way to win.  The only way to really give and recieve love:  give it everything you have.  We will see what the next hand looks like. 

Greg.

I have been really down for the past 8 weeks.  My relationship with my girlfriend of 7 years has ended.  I have had the understanding that this was my soulmate.  My one TRUE love.  The person that I was going to spend eternity with.  Or was it? Or does fate have another trick up her sleeve?  I have said, previously, that we do not get the choice to set True Love free and see if it returns.  That this choice is made by the other person.  That we, some how, force this choice to be made for us.  Could I have been wrong?  As I look back, pondering over my life's journey so far, doubtful of the future and losing hope, something happened.  Should I say that someone happened;  again.  I have often thought, as all of us have, about the one that got away.  I always assumed that it was never meant to be.  The love that never was, was just that; never was.  But does that mean that it can never be.  Or did it happen in a way that I was unaware of?  Did I really have true love?  Had I loved someone so deeply that I didn't even know that I was?  Had I actually loved and then set love free?  Could I have made this choice and never actually have know it? 

I had a person in my life that I had loved from the moment that I met her.  I felt a connection to her that I could never explain.  This connection was so strong that it is, only now, that I have come to question WHY?  Why this person?  What was it?  What was my soul feeling that my heart and mind could not comprehend?  Why was is it that I never acted on these feelings some ten or so years ago?   Or did I act on them in every way that I should have, at the time?  Was my soul on autopilot?  Did it decide for me that it was going to let my mind and my heart sit this play out?  Did I do all right things without even knowing it? 

Did I tell her how I felt then; of course, I think?  But did I know how I really felt?  Maybe.  My soul did but it didn't tell the rest of me.  Not until resently.  Unless, maybe, it has been telling me, slowly, over the years, that it had acted with out me.  Slowly breaking the news to my heart and mind that it had loved without them.  What was I feeling so strongly about?  Did I have to have her?  Not in the jelous way that most men feel about women.   She was already there.  She was already in my life.  In fact, lookin back, I dont think that we ever kissed, ever acted on those feelings in anyway.  I was never jelous when she picked another man over me.  Why is that?  Why didn't I ever take her, in a way only found in romance novels, and tell her that I loved her?  I have thought about this often over the years.  The one feeling that has never come over me, in all that time, was regret.  Why, then, if I love this person so much, do I not regret keeping these feelings to myself?  I have never been afraid of losing her.  That feeling was never part of the equation.

To explain my feelings I must, first, tell you some of my beliefs.  I dont have a traditional view of religion.  I dont believe in religion.  What I do believe in is the fact that there are forces in this universe that we have yet to discover.  There are forces that we know of now that we can't explain.  I believe that existence was a choice.  You have to consider that there was either everything or nothing and that a choice was made in this regard.  The greatest gift that man has ever been given was the gift of choice.  Life is all about choice.  The Bible says that Man was created in Gods own image.  I believe that but that is as far as I go with the Bible.  I also believe that all things in the universe are connected.  That everything has a positive and negitive.  An up and down.  An Eb and Flow.  I believe that all souls are paired.  This pair was created at the dawn of existence.  At the time the first choice was ever made.  The first choice we made was our other.  That choice has never changed.  We can not change the choices that we make.  We can only make new choices.  I believe that we are paired to this other forever.  In ever form in every way.  Everything that we do has some effect on that other force.  I also believe that we choose our paths.  That life is a lesson.  We make the choice of what lessons to learn and in what order to learn them.  But we must walk every path, learn every lesson.  This is what, I believe, the Bible ment by "God created man in his own image".  This is the only way to gain the knowledge that God already has.  He was the first to walk ever path.   I also believe that the only way to make sure that we learn the lesson that we set out to learn is to be born with no memory of the choice that was made and to live life with the fear of death; no knowledge of the real truth.  The fear that this is the only chance we ever have.  This is the only way to make sure that we live this life for this life.  Learn the lesson to be learned.  I believe that our other is always a part of our life.  In some way they are always there.  We always find them.  There is always balance in the universe.  Always.  This brings me back to my thought.

Have I found my other?  Have I found my soulmate?  The force that I have been bonded to from the very begining?   Has fate brought back the love that my soul set free?  I hope so.  I believe that it may have.  The only question that I have now is what is the role that that person is supposed to play in my life?  In this lesson.  At this point I dont know.  I know what role I would like that person to play.  But I cant be selfish.  What ever the role Im just glad that she is back in my life.  I dont have the time to be selfish anymore.  It hurts too much.  It causes too much pain.  Ive fucked up a lot in my life and Ive done a lot of things that Im not proud of but I will not fuck this up.  I love her too much for that.  The only thing that I can do at this point is take life as it comes and let fate guide me as it has.  All things have a purpose.  This life has some kind of lesson and its my job to learn it.  Im excited about the future.  It, again, looks bright.  Im finding happiness; happines that Im making for my self.  This is the most important thing in life.   Our own happiness.  What we make for our selves.  Life has been a strange journey so far and Im excited about the future.  I dont know what it may hold.  I dont know if my love will be my love or not.  That is not what's important.  What is important is that I know how I feel and understand what that means.  Its all part of the lesson of life.  Either way,  life has been good to me so far.  I've had a glimpse at the truth.  A hint of what its really all about.  Now its time to go forward.  Find the next path and walk it. 

I love to share life with those I love.  I have shared my life with some great people and im sure that there are more great people on the way.  I can no longer live my life for others only for myself and only then can I share it with someone else.  Im going to go on living.  Go on loving.  Go on seeking out the adventure that is LIFE. 

What will come of all this?  I dont know.  What I do know is what it has all ment to me.  Who I've become because of the choices that I've made.  They define a part of who we are.  Of who I am. 

My last thought:  keep on living.  You never know what great things are going to come of it.

I would love to hear anyone's thoughts.  Your oppinions are very much welcome.

Greg.

Beer.  Nothing in the world gets the party started like BEER.  There is even a movie called BEER.  So, to get to the point quickly.  What is the best BEER?  I think that this question has caused more fights than religion.  That is hard to do.  So I want to know what the best BEER is.  I dont want to hear BUD or Old Swill.  Im looking for the real BEER drinker.  Not some college guys going off about how many they can down in 4 seconds or some crap like that.  I want to hear real BEER drinkers who actually enjoy BEER for the taste.  Like wine people but without having to spend that kind of money.  I want the name of the BEER and what it is about it that you love.   Thanks for checking this out and Enjoy.

What do you do when Love gets away?  What happens now?  Am I too old to find Love again?  Is it too late to try to fix a broken relationship?  What happened to me?  Did I become so involved in the things that dont really matter that I lost sight of what really did?  How can a person love you for 7 years then not love you anymore?  Is that possible?  So many questions.  What about the Love that never was?  The one that got away?  I stand here looking at what has become of my life and I question how I got here.   I know the answer.  I couldnt see past my self.  Its funny how clearly we see things in hind sight.  Everything in my life wasnt always about me.  I was not the center of the Universe.  She was the center of mine.  I just didnt take the opprotunities to show her that.  I wanted more from life than what I had.  When, in fact, I had everything that I could have ever needed.  Or wanted.  She filled a place in my soul that I never knew was empty.  She showed me more about myself  than I could have found on my own.  How do you thank a person that does that for you?  Do you ask them to marry you?  How can you tell them how you feel?  After 7 years with no reciprication, do they even want to know?  Do they even care?  Do I deserve one last chance?  One last attempt to make it right?  How is it that we always hurt the ones we love?  Is it because they are the ones closest to our hearts, our emotions, maybe our souls?  I believe that people that close to one another share those things because they are connected in those places.  The places that are most important.  What do you do if you hurt someone in those places?  How can you mend a wound that runs that deep?  Can Love really fill in the spots that pain has occupied for so long?  Is time the answer?  Or distance?  Are any of us really brave enough to set Love free and see if it returns?  I dont think that this is a choice that anyone can make.  I dont believe that we set Love free voluntarily.  I believe that descion is always made for us.  It is made by our actions, our emotions, in the way that we hold the ones that we love.  If we do not recipricate Love then this choice to let it free will be made for us.   The one that we love will make that choice for you and all you can do is have Faith that Love will come back.  I am trying to hold on to Faith.  I am Hoping that Love will return.  Why did I let this happen?  Why was I so afraid of doing the right thing?  What was so important that I failed to see how good my life was?  What could have been more important than the Love that I had?  I failed to see past myself.  I Hope that Love will return.  I have Faith that there is a chance.  I dont want to live my life with regret.  I stand looking down life's path and wonder; Do I deserve another chance, and where do I go from here?

I would love to hear anyone's thoughts.  Your oppinions are very much welcome.

Greg